Today in tweets

If I were to put any thought or effort into Twitter, these might be what my tweets look like:

I haven’t showered in the past 36 hours. ¬†I want to make it to 48, but I have school ūüė¶

Josie is officially 1 today! ¬†She got a “spa package” for her birthday, and I’m mostly excited that she no longer has rancid dog breath. ¬†Happy birthday!

Twitter is where I go to get my daily dose of comedy from friends and comedians. ¬†That being said, I didn’t find a single 9/11 joke funny. ¬†Terrorism doesn’t make me chuckle.

Know what does make me chuckle? ¬†The fact that Josie had her anal glands “expressed” by professionals yesterday.

The best part of wedding planning has to be wine tastings.  We have to know what the guests will experience, right?

I feel like it’s been a really long time since the internet has had videos quite as hilarious as Double Rainbow¬†and¬†Bed Intruder. ¬†I wish I had a list of all of my favorite memes since the beginning of the internet.

You know that fake infomercial for the “neck basket“? ¬†Jonathan legitimately wants one. ¬†I’m not sure how to break the news…

What are your tweets for today?

Follow me on Twitter @madsyjoy

-Mads

 

 

Today in Tweets

In case you were wondering, these are not my actual tweets. ¬†I put little to no thought into my actual tweets and the majority of them aren’t funny, insightful, or interesting. ¬†But by all means, follow me on twitter (@madsyjoy) if you want to hear RT from comedians, my tv conquests, and many self-deprecating comments. ¬†

How come Lite Ranch tastes like a wonderful summer snack and Fat Free Ranch tastes like the devil’s a$$hole?

“I need a pastry like I need a man.” -one of the best drunken quotes from 2004.

I realize I’m a total n00b, but this blog is make-me-cry funny The Clearly Dope. ¬†I spent a solid hour on there today.

I honestly have no idea what “fabric softener” is. ¬†It seems like a marketing ploy to me.

My new favorite karaoke song is Zombie, by The Cranberries.  Something about getting screamy during karaoke makes me happy.

The majority of our wine rack is 2buckChuck.  I must be going through an ironic phase.  Time to grow a hipster moustache.

One of my friends only farts in the bathroom. ¬†I can’t think of a worse way to live your life.

I frequently think, “I want to nap, but I’m too amped up on caffeine.” #firstworldproblems

What’s your day like in tweets?

-Mads

Today in Tweets

Four pounds of BBQ pork should have lasted us a week, but it was gone in less than 48 hours.  whoooooops  *burp*

Heavy whipping cream is a perfectly reasonable substitute for milk in your morning smoothie.

I would pay someone to apply to jobs for me.  Is that counterproductive?  #willpayforwork

Sometimes I think pajama jeans are a great idea, and other times I remember that I have a modicum of self-respect.

Cargill is apparently to blame for my salmonella.¬† It’s come full circle.¬† #damntheman

Witnessed a homeless man yelling at dogs in the dog park to “keep it down” so he could have a noise-free nap downtown. So many things I want to say.

@TheBeardedIris turned me onto this Sandra Lee semi-homemade gem.

What is your day like in tweets?

-Mads

Today in Tweets

I spent 9 hours downloading music on Spotify. ¬†I’m still disappointed in my tastes. ¬†Although, Shaggy’s tunes won’t download themselves.

Jonathan is going to a bachelor party in Vegas.  He also bought himself a Buffy the Vampire Slayer t-shirt.  Somehow these two facts cancel each other out.

After last week’s post, I now know Josie’s life is totally more interesting than my own.

I made homemade “Ghetto ‘Gria” out of $2 Chuck, Triple Sec, honey, and berries. ¬†‘Twas a delight on the palate.

My drug-dealing neighbor has been in police custody for almost a month now.  Somehow two giant dove coops have popped up on his rooftop.  Yes, live doves.  Baffling.

Buying a 4 pound pork shoulder seemed like a really good idea at the time, but now I realize I only cook for two people.  SO MUCH MEAT #firstworldproblems

Do people still darn socks?¬† Is that a skill I need to have?¬† I’m not sure why this is a concern.

What’s your day like in tweets?

-Mads

Today in Tweets

I went to the farmers market today and was able to get three vases chock full of flowers for $10!

Cheese fondue is on the menu tonight. ¬†Mark Bittman don’t fail me now!

My dog bit a dead and bloody bird.  I asked my friends if it was kosher to 409 her mouth.  Their response?  Only if a rabbi does it.

I watched 1/2 of Bye Bye Birdie today before I realized my childhood favorite was actually the crappy 1995 made-for-tv remake starring Jason Alexander and NOT the 1960s Dik Van Dyke classic. ¬†I was singing along to all of the songs, but something didn’t feel right.

Cookies made with anything less than 2 sticks of butter are not worth my time.

I’m pretty sure my neighbors have been drunk since 8am. ¬†Occasionally I go out on the balcony and cheers them. ¬†California is different than Minnesota.

I read the first 5 pages of an Australian novel before realizing I had no idea what the fook it was about. ¬†Essentially, I can’t read accents?

My mom’s recipe for margaritas is killer. ¬†It will make you share “truths”.

Taking your pre-coffee morning rage out on somebody else’s Facebook wall is embarrassing.

A bacon-wrapped hot dog covered in fried onions is a totally acceptable breakfast, as long as you pretend you bought it for your boyfriend.

Part of me hates shag carpet, the other part of me is really happy that I never ever have to vacuum.

 

What are your tweets for today?

-Mads