Bizarre encounters of the 3rd kind

I’ve been running into some crazies lately…

Apparently my unwashed face, workout bun, and yoga pants scream “Please ask me on a date!”  Sir, your lisp and gap-toothed smile do not exactly move me to accept your offer.

The tailor seemed excessively worried about my personal safety when I was a day late picking up my pants.  Lady, I’m fine.  I got swept up in the DVR for most of yesterday.  Wait, why am I explaining myself to you?

While I was out walking Josie somebody said, “I like dogs more than I like people.”  Grumpy old man, keep your thoughts to yourself.  I don’t like people either, but I especially don’t like strangers making me feel like I am the wrong species.

What is with people this week?  Is it a full moon or something?  Maybe I’m just out of practice interacting with humans.  I have been unemployed for many months now.

What bizarre encounters have you had recently?


CSI: Long Beach?

Get on your fake boobs, spray tans, and white linen pants…”CSI: Miami” is filming in Long Beach!

“CSI: Miami” films most episodes in Long Beach, but today they are filming right outside of my apartment!  I told you I was a freak for celebrities and today is no different.

Found on flickr from a different day of shooting. I find it hilarious that you can actually see the "Long Beach Blvd" sign in the background.

My dislike of Horatio is epic, but you best believe I have already hopped downstairs for an opportunity to be in the background of a scene.  I also took Josie in case they needed a crazy pug stunt-double (she’s not trained enough to be a Hollywood pug star, but I have no doubt she could leap from burning buildings or do backflips if necessary).

Sadly, security surrounded most of the film crew/stars, but I did chat with a crew member very briefly.  Everyone on set had “CSI: Miami Season 9” t-shirts.  Maybe I should change my goals to simply acquiring one of those shirts.  Bad. A$$.

Apparently there are a lot of shows that film right down the block, one of my favorites being “Dexter”.

Michael C. Hall "Dexter" and Jimmy Smits "Miguel Prado" chillin on my beach.

*fingers crossed* I get to meet Michael C. Hall or maybe even Alexander Skarsgard, because apparently they film parts of “Trueblood” around here too.

Vampires? Yes, please.

What show would you Love to have filmed outside your house?  

What CSI is your favorite?  I’m a Las Vegas fan myself, but that’s because Gil Grissom does death puns the best.


Semi-homemade cooking gone to sh!t

The Food Network is mostly about entertainment and not so much about “food”.

How do I know this?

Exhibit A:

Paula Dean’s English Pea recipe (thanks to Mama Pea for the link)

Paula’s general recipe format:

Take any object (doesn’t have to necessarily be food)

Add butter

Once you think you have added enough butter, double it

Serve with salt

Exhibit B:

I’m not even sure where to begin with this video.

Other cake-topping options when you are in a pinch:

-Kleenex oragamied into roses add a “je ne sais quoi” to an otherwise boring store-bought cake.

-The center of a bundt cake can be filled with a bottle of $2 Chuck (remember that the glass part of the bottle is not edible, so remove before eating).  Pour the wine directly into the “cakehole” for a modern take on the traditional rum cake.

-Easter cakes really sparkle when adorned with rabbit’s feet.  You can pick these up at your local craft store or you can slaughter 4-5 rabbits (depending on the size of the cake).

-Savory and sweet is such a wonderful pair, why not punch it up by adding some pepperonis in the shape of a smiley face?  Your kids will be sure to love!

I can only assume Miss Lee was doing her own version of “My Drunk Kitchen”:

Visit Kat’s site for more on this topic.  She tackles some really tough issues like how to prepare for Kwanzaa.


Guest Post: A Furry Foodie

This post is brought to you by my big brother, Jason.  He’s not a blogger, nor do I think he reads my blog.  However, he shoots me ideas for posts every now and then.  When he gave me the idea for a furry foodie, I knew that I needed him as a guest-poster.  Enjoy!


Last Thursday evening, I had the opportunity to partake in a bold and unique delicacy completely new to my palate.  As is typical with my finer banquets, it began with me hearing the pantry door open upstairs.  My ears picked up a crackle and crunch; a sound signifying guaranteed freshness (until the printed date).  The plastic bag exploded open and the air seemed to be filled with a bold scent.

It took all of my patience as I waited for my turn to taste this spicy treat.  The drool in the corners of my mouth built with the anticipation of my first taste.  The spittle hung from my mouth like shoelaces as I watched the amber and mahogany bag intently.  The remainder of the contents in the bag, which was now near empty, was mine.

A flick of the wrist and a golden flash in the air was all it took for me to launch myself skyward.  A flavorful powder, covering a small curled chip, hit my tongue like a shockwave.  Chili!  Cheese!  I have licked the bottom of a chili bowl from time to time.  Often, I will take medicine enveloped in a piece of Swiss or sharp cheddar.  But the combination – in the form of a bite-sized snack – was truly breathtaking; literally (my muscles tensed, my neck jutted out, and I began to froth, snort, and convulse). Together these powerful flavors coated the corn chip just as a hump-blanket covers one at night.  When my wheezing stopped, I awaited for my second helping to be thrown into the air.  Unfortunately, in my spasm, the bag was crumpled and tossed into the garbage bin.  Apparently to sniff the inside of the bag and lick the last flecks of flavor would be a vulgar sign of disrespect to the preparer of such a fine dish.

Before the door of the pantry closed, I noticed several other similarly-sized bags that were kept within: a black one with a handful of flat orange chips and a blue one with a triangle-shaped chip.  More blog entries to come!  In the meantime, I won’t tire of chicken liver flavoring lightly dusted over chicken by-product meal.



Grandma Nipples and The Case of the Sticky Kippah

In traditional Jewish weddings, the male guests wear a kippah (or yarmulke).  They are typically affixed to the top of the head with bobby pins, but it is quite a different story for bald attendees.  One of the male ushers ran into this problem, but quickly solved it with “Hollywood Tape”.

Tape it up

As he was taping up his head, we were approached by a 80+ year old woman.  She was pencil thin and wearing a floor-length, strapless cotton dress.  Something only Coco-T could keep up without superglue.

Our only response was, “By the beard of Zeus, give that woman all the tape you can find!”

Luckily, our bald friend is a gentleman…

At which point, half of the bridal party made a quick exit to spew and the other half gazed on in horror.

And THEN, Grandma Nipples *of course* needed assistance.  Our friend, Ems, stepped up to the plate.

I both love and hate old people.


Guest Post: TLC Gold

This post is brought to you by my friend Ems.  She doesn’t have a blog of her own, but her take on early 90’s culture frequently blows my mind.  Plus, she is giving me a ride home from the bachelorette party tonight, so she’s an automatic winner.

I’m a Snatch fan. In fact, I think Guy Richie is a genius, it’s like he knows how my mind works. So when I was visiting a friend who has TLC last weekend, we stumbled across absolute amazingness on television—My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. For those of you that don’t see the connection between the two, let me help you out. Brad Pitt. You’re on your own from there.

Needless to say, this show is absolutely awesome and horrible at the same time, but what would reality tv be if not both of those? The basic idea of the show is to show the marital practices of the Traveler/Irish Gypsy communities in the UK. Complete with 14 year old engagements, 16 year old weddings, dresses that weigh 100 lbs, more tulle than you can imagine, and Christmas lights being used where Christmas light designers never imagined they would be used. You think that’s not cool enough to keep you intrigued? Once again they have met that need. They even show you the interworkings of first communion craziness. Including eight year olds that look like mini-Disney princesses in gowns you only wish you could have worn for Halloween at that age.

It makes me enjoy caravans and the accents even more when I watch Snatch now.


I’m all over the internet

So, last night The Bloggess posted my post.  Nooooow people are saying I am starring in some Youtube videos.

I’m truly flattered because this chick is super funny and adorable.  The idea is that she gets drunk by herself (genius) and then tapes herself cooking (double genius).  I wouldn’t normally watch somebody wasted on camera (ok, I would), but her editing and timing skills make these videos superb.

Check out these episodes of “My Drunk Kitchen”.

Here she shows us the perfect recipe for mimosas:

What’s the craziest thing you have made in your kitchen (with our without mild substance abuse)?