Four Loko Mads

I don’t really experiment with drugs, and I would like to think my “heavy” drinking days have been over since college.

However, as soon as I read this article about the ban on Four Loko, I knew it was my destiny.  For those of you unfamiliar with Four Loko, it is a 12% malt liquor caffeinated drink.  Reports vary on the amount of caffeine, some say it’s equivalent to 1 cup of coffee, others say it’s closer to 3 cans of Red Bull.  For this reason, it has been banned in several states due to reports of Four Loko-related hospital trips and deaths.

I get the ban.  I do.  Alcohol should probably have heavier restrictions on its sale and use, especially when said alcohol contains caffeine.  It’s dangerous.  No question.

That being said, the argument that Four Loko specifically targets under-age drinkers is ludicrous.  I LOVE the marketing, and I’m 24!  haha jk

Anyway, I was enjoying a harmless night of karaoke with friends and a few drinks, when my friend pulled out a can of Four Loko.  The can itself is intimidating:

I took a sip and almost choked on the sugary sweet Jolly Rancher taste.

And then I had some more.

The group of us consumed about one can each and were overcome by an insatiable hunger for McNuggets.  We discovered the 50 nuggets for $10 deal and devoured them instantly.

Jonathan drove my butt home as I begged for more food…Jack in the Box breakfast sandwiches, specifically.  Luckily his sober self had more sense than to give me more food, and he sneakily drove me home without stops as I snoozed in the passenger’s seat.

Upon arrival home, I lacked all ability to stand (this, according to Jonathan).  As my memory serves, there was a very specific reason I was on the kitchen floor…I just can’t quite remember what that reason was.  Jonathan tried to help me up, and I squirted my water bottle all over him.  I still chuckle at that hahaha…he didn’t think it was so funny.

I went to bed and woke up feeling awesome and energized for the day.  Seriously.

I immediately went to Facebook to share with my friend who had purchased the Four Loko that I would never be partaking in that drink ever again.  Only to find that I had mysteriously posted on her wall the night before, “no loco likey. ever.”

One of my friends said he had a hard time sleeping because his heart was pounding out of his chest.  Terrifying!

Tuan was credited as saying “Loko Mads” was actually “Five Loko Mads”…when you’ve had 1 Loko too many.

I’m not sure California will ever ban Four Loko or force them to remove the caffeine from the product ingredients, but I have officially banned it in my home.  My heart and brain will appreciate it in the long-run.  Probably my liver too.  Jonathan will probably appreciate it most of all.

What’s your take on banning caffeinated booze drinks?  Have you tried this horrible stuff?

-Mads

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8 thoughts on “Four Loko Mads

  1. I don’t drink at all so I have never heard of Four Loko! It sounds terrifying and very risky. I’m glad you’ve sworn off it and I hope that other people don’t get to know of this toxic stuff.

  2. I almost died reading this one. I can only imagine you on the kitchen floor with the water and Jonathan trying so desperately to reason with you.

  3. I have had four loko once and I could barely choke it down and really didn’t get drunk. On the other hand, I once had a regular, non caffinated, grape flavored, super classly Four. I then proceeded to go to a twins game, sit in the sun for hours, find out Michael Jackson was dead, and infamously drunk dial everyone in my phone (at 3pm on a week day mind you) to inform them that Michael Jackson was “dead like a toad on the road”. I will never live it down…or drink Four ever again.

  4. Oh, no. No way. I’m up for 3 days if I drink a Dr Pepper. I can’t even wrap my head around this one! I admire your spirit of adventure AND your stamina at surviving it. And I like the nickname “Loko Mads” – sounds fun or dangerous, depending on the situation or your mood!

  5. Am I alone in having never heard of a caffeinated malt liquor? Back when I fashioned myself an “urban pioneer” in a decaying city, I saw many an interesting folk regularly buying malt liquor and the neighborhood store, and I’m not sure any of them needed caffeine to further stimulate their activities. But a ban seems a bit overboard. That said, I laughed out loud at the vision of you squirting Jonathan with a water bottle.

    • This comment sent me into fits of giggles. haha
      I had no idea it was malt liquor, but I don’t think I need any more of that to “stimulate my activities”. 😉

  6. I like Red Bull and vodka on occasion, but that Four Loko stuff is terrifying! That plus a whole box of chicken nuggets probably took like, oh, 45 minutes off your lifespan. 😉

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